I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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