dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
