Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
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