well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
