I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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