new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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