He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
