so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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