I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
