Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
