Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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