They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
