he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i wish my penis had a tongue
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
