Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
