Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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