she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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