Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
