yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
