I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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