M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
