Soap is not a condiment
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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