remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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