you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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