Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
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She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
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totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.