you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone