He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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