I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize