I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
