So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
