why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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