Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
