My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
