Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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