I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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