Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I met the friendliest cop last night
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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