they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
