I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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