It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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