Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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