I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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