I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
