Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
