I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
