I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
