I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
