I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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