The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
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A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
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I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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