I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
