Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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