i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
