why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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