He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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