omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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