Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
