I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Randomize
