Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
