We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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