i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
