If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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